June 22nd 2009.
Extracts from Jack's Diary.
Had a restless night. Ianto snores and also insists on lying on top of my legs. Got up at 3am with numb legs. Fell down and banged my nose on a Cabinet. Massive and unexpected nose bleed. Wondered briefly if likely to bleed to death from nose. Alas no. Never died from a nose bleed yet. Ianto awoke and slipped on blood and banged his nose on my elbow and had a massive nose bleed. Surprisingly exciting.
Note: Must remember to move cabinet.
Note 2: Blood is not a good lube. Ought to be----but isn't. Messy.
Reports came in mid morning about a Weevil stealing washing. Went with Gwen to investigate. Weevil is stealing only women's underwear. Drove around looking for Weevil wearing a bra and panties before got a report of a large hairy creature eating fries in MacDonalds and wearing a pink bra and yellow panties. Police had surrounded MacDonalds and there was an huge crowd. As we approached there was a shout from the crowd of "here's Torchwood--they'll get it" or something like that anyhow. So much for secrecy.
Gwen lured the Weevil out of MacDonalds by waving a bra at it. Evidently she always has spare underwear with her. Women can be strange. In fact--the older I get the more strange they become. Might be me, of course. but I don't think so. I wasn't wearing any underwear. It's cheaper not to. I hate spending money. Especially my own.
Tosh reckons it is going to rain on Friday. She is trying a new way of forecasting the weather. It involves something or other plus bits of cloth hanging everywhere with pins stuck in them. Owen walked into one and ended up with a pin in his ear. Apart from the blood it was quite attractive. Owen was not amused.
Ianto has been clearing a cabinet down near the cells. He keeps bringing things into my office saying "what the fuck use is this?" and other similar remarks. He found my collection of Mars Bars and was disgusted. I agreed that some of them were moldy but they all have such meaning for me that I can't throw them away. I tried to explain this simple fact to Ianto. He was amazingly angry about it. He seemed very cross that I didn't eat the Mars Bars and just keep the wrappers. I told him I don't like Mars Bars. He sighed and said "oh I give up''----whatever that meant.
I admit it. I hate throwing things away. You never know when something will be useful. Of course, I can never find anything that might be useful because Ianto keeps tidying up. I know I had a mint copy of "Lady Chatterley's Mother" someplace, but I can't find it now. Ianto insists that it's called "Lady Chatterley's Lover" but in the one I had it was definitely Mother. I was about incest, I think.
Owen sent out for Pizza and mine had anchovies. I hate anchovies. I think he did it on purpose. I had to pick them off. Ianto ate his and all mine too. Tosh kept saying ''it was a waste of food and what about people starving?" I said they can have my anchovies. Tosh said I was hard and unsympathetic and went and hung up some more cloth with pins in. I think she said if it is going to rain the pins will go green---or something like that.
After lunch I sent Tosh, Owen and Gwen out to Caerleon. Nothing was happening there but I told them there had been a report of a giant spider and I had had orders from ABOVE to deal with it quietly. It was all rubbish that I made up as I went along. Ianto and I were down below, naked, when they came back. They had caught an enormous spider in Caerleon. It was green and furry. It is in a cell now. I think it's asleep. Evidently it eats birds. It was eating a crow when they caught it. They all seemed very surprized when I said I had no idea where it had come from. They have such faith in me. It's very touching.
Note: Foreplay is out. Fuck and go.
Later we had Chinese. I can't manage chopsticks. They all use them efficiently. I don't care. I just don't care. I'm in charge. Why use sticks when you can use a spoon? Tosh said some birds can use sticks to poke at worms hiding in holes. I least, I think that's what she said. I was watching Ianto eat at the time. He has great lips and a great tongue. Owen said he was going home now as he had a date and nothing was happening anyhow. Gwen said she had to go to Tesco. I like Tesco myself. I had a fantastic time there once with 3 guys and a box of melting ice-cream. Tosh said she had to check on her cloths and then she was going, if I didn't mind. I didn't. Mind.
Ianto said he wasn't staying one more night in my revolting bed and that I had to come to his place. So I did. Come, I mean. In his place. Then we ate 16 donuts. I had 9 and Ianto had 7. Writing this up while Ianto throws up. What a waste of donuts. One good thing about living a long time--you can eat 9 donuts and not throw up. I will not throw up---I will not throw up----
THE END.
The Life Cycle of the Garuldian Frog.
Stage One: Horse.
"This is the footprint of a Gigantic Frog'' said Jack, as the five members of Torchwood 3 stood staring down at a shapeless blob in the grass. They were in the wilds, as Owen described it, of North Wales, and the weather was freezing.
''Conan-Doyle'' said Owen, trying to stop his teeth chattering.
''No'' Jack muttered ''it's probably a Garuldian Frog, I've never heard of a Conan-Doyle Frog.''
''He was an Author'' Ianto explained ''he wrote the Sherlock Holmes stories.''
''OH'' Jack exclaimed " I think I met him once. We had a very interesting discussion about Fairies.''
Gwen groaned. ''So, what does this Frog look like then?" she asked ''we need to know if we're going to catch it.''
''It depends which stage of its life cycle it's reached" Jack said ''anyhow, everyone spread out and look for more footprints, and droppings too.''
''Droppings?" said Tosh, shuddering.
''Shit'' Jack sighed.
''What does this shit look like?" asked Gwen.
''It depends'' Jack said calmly.
''What on?'' asked Gwen.
''Which stage of its life cycle it's reached'' Jack replied.
''I think it might be helpful if you tell us about these stages, Jack" said Ianto "and hurry up, before we all freeze to death out here.''
''Well---" Jack said slowly ''I'm not sure which stage it's reached but--I think--going by the footprints-- it's still at stage one. I'll know more when we've found some shit--it should be bright yellow.''
''Great'' Owen complained ''not only am I about to die of cold but NOW I have to search for a massive Frog that produces bright yellow shit!"
''It's part of the fun of the job'' Jack grinned.
They separated and walked slowly across the field looking at the ground. After about five minutes, Tosh gave a shout and they all ran over to her. Just in front of her was an HUGE pile of bright yellow sludge. They all stared down at it.
''Is this it?" asked Tosh ''it seems an awful lot for a Frog to do even if it is a BIG Frog!"
Jack bent down and looked closely at the yellow heap. Then he sniffed it. He stood up again and beamed an happy smile at them. '' Yep'' he exclaimed cheerfully ''That's it all right--and it's still at stage one--oh this is fantastic--I've always wanted to see a stage one Garuldian Frog.''
''So'' said Owen ''we have to look out for a really big Frog, then?"
''Horse'' said Jack.
''What?" Owen muttered.
''It'll look like a Horse'' said Jack.
''Maybe I'm being really stupid'' said Gwen ''but if it looks like a Horse--why is it called a Frog?"
''Because it IS a Frog'' Jack replied, seriously ''it wont ALWAYS look like a Horse.''
"So we're looking for a Horse then?" Ianto commented.
''Only if it's still at stage one'' said Jack.
''Suppose--" Owen snapped crossly ''it isn't at stage one when we find it--what will it look like then--a Frog--maybe?"
Jack shook his head. "It'll look like a Pig then'' he said.
Owen started to look angry. ''We're looking for a Frog that looks like a Horse'' he moaned ''but if we don't catch it soon it'll turn into a Pig-what happens to it next?"
''It'll turn into an Earthworm'' said Jack ''we HAVE to catch it before that because they eat Robins.''
''ROBINS?" shouted Owen.
''They climb up trees'' said Jack ''very fast.''
''I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!" shouted Owen ''IT'S SOME KIND OF HARKNESS JOKE---ISN'T IT?"
Gwen and Tosh both started to laugh. Jack glared at them. ''It's NOT funny!" he shouted ''I was bitten by one once--it was agony.''
''You were bitten by an Earthworm?" Ianto looked more puzzled than anything else.
"Of course not'' Jack sighed ''it had turned into a Fox by then.''
''Just how many times does this thing change its appearance, Jack?" Ianto asked, at last.
''Seven'' said Jack ''it'll look like a Horse, then a Pig, then an Earthworm, then a Fox, then a Builder, then a Cat, then finally a Frog--a really big Frog--20 Feet high.''
''That big'' said Owen, grinning somewhat evilly ''and what this about a Builder?''
''You KNOW what a BUILDER is'' Jack shouted angrily.
''How do you know it's a Builder, then?" Gwen asked.
''Er--well---''Jack actually started to look embarrassed ''it--erm--well---starts to --erm--well--build walls---you know--walls---stone walls--the kind that have no mortar.''
They all laughed then, except Jack, who just went red and looked at the ground. This was so unusual that Ianto pulled him aside and whispered in his ear ''is this really true, Jack?''
''Yes'' Jack whispered back ''on Garuldia everything living is like that. I know it sounds weird. I mean-- it isn't REALLY a Horse or a Pig or any of those things--that's just the nearest thing on Earth I could think of to explain its appearance.''
Before Ianto could say anything more about the weirdness of Garuldian Frogs in general, Gwen suddenly uttered an incoherent shout of anguish. She pointed across the field and they all saw it then--an HUGE Horse--snorting what appeared to be fire from its nostrils. It was bright green in color and had fluorescent ears.
''Now you know the origin of Dragon stories'' said Jack, looking surprisingly calm in the face of what seemed to be remarkable danger.
''We should just shoot it'' said Gwen, drawing her gun.
''NO" Jack yelled '' we need a Virgin, that calms them.''
''Aren't you thinking of Unicorns?" asked Tosh ''I thought that was Virgins.''
''OH FUCK!'' Jack shouted '' SO I AM.''
''Anyhow'' Owen commented " we HAVEN'T got a Virgin.''
''Let's just shoot it'' Gwen pleaded ''come on. I really want to shoot it.''
''It's rare'' Jack said ''you can't shoot something that's rare.''
''I could actually'' Gwen told him.
The Horse/Dragon meanwhile had stopped pawing the ground and snorting and had started to make a slow and leisurely run in their direction. ''Maybe we'd better shoot it'' Jack sighed as it slowly approached them.
They were all prepared to kill the thing when it disappeared abruptly in a flash of pink light and smoke. They staggered about in the smoke, coughing. When it finally cleared a little the Horse/ Dragon had gone and in its place was a large placid looking pink pig.
''Oh good" said Jack ''stage two. We can get it back to the Hub now.''
His team all groaned, loudly.
Stage Two: Pig.
By the time the Members of Torchwood Three arrived back at the Hub, the Pig was VERY hungry and VERY angry. It paced back and forth in its Cell, making hideous snorting noises and covering the Cell in something that smelled revolting and looked like pale purple snow.
''We need to feed it'' Jack said, as they all stood looking at it as it paced in the Cell.
''What does it eat?'' asked Tosh, wrinkling her noise at the smell.
''Brussels Sprouts'' said Jack, ''go and buy some Gwen.''
''Why me?'' asked Gwen, crossly.
''Because I just told you to'' Jack informed her ''and buy a lot---oh--and while you're out there--get some Pizza--for us.''
''Pepperoni'' Owen shouted after Gwen's departing back.
''Four Cheese'' Ianto yelled at the same moment.
''And don't get anything with Olives'' Jack called out a second later.
''Why does it stink so much?" Tosh moaned, as they all continued to watch the Pig.
''It's upset'' said Jack.
''I'm upset too'' said Tosh ''I hate that smell.''
''Let's leave it alone until Gwen comes back with the Sprouts'' said Jack.
''I hate Sprouts'' commented Owen, as they moved away from the Cell.
''Me too'' said Tosh.
''I love them'' said Ianto ''raw.''
Owen made gagging noises as they arrived on the main floor of the Hub. They all hovered aimlessly about waiting for Gwen to arrive back with the food. Jack and Ianto went into Jack's office. Jack sat down at his desk and opened a drawer. He removed a large bright pink butt plug from the drawer and waved it at ianto, who promptly went as pink as the Pig. Jack put the Plug on top of the desk and removed several metal rods from the same drawer.
''What are those for?" asked Ianto, looking out of the office to see if Owen and Tosh were looking their way, which, at that moment, they weren't.
''Soundings'' said Jack ''you've never used them, Ianto? You haven't lived---."
''What are they for?'' asked Ianto, getting irritated.
''Don't you know?'' asked Jack, looking amused.
''Oh yes'' snapped Ianto crossly ''I'd be asking what they were for if I knew, wouldn't I?''
''You push them up your cock'' said Jack, grinning.
''UGH'' Ianto moaned ''don't they hurt?''
"You start with a thin one and work up'' Jack explained ''they really are fantastic.''
''I AM NOT PUSHING ONE OF THOSE THINGS UP MY COCK'' shouted Ianto ''NO MATTER HOW THIN IT IS!''
At that inopportune moment Gwen came in with the Pizzas. Ianto and Jack discovered everyone was gazing at them with expressions of amusement {Owen} and surprise {Gwen and Tosh}.
''Later'' said Jack getting up and putting the Rods and Plug back in his desk drawer.
"Much later'' Ianto muttered to Jack's departing back.
Watching the Pig eat its way through an huge pile of Brussels sprouts was, Tosh thought, probably the most revolting thing she had ever seen in her life. This feeling wasn't helped by the fact that most of the Sprouts seemed to emerge very speedily out of the other end of the Pig. Finally, much to her relief, the Sprouts were all gone and the Pig flopped down onto the filthy floor of its Cell, grunting happily, or at least loudly anyhow. They all stood watching it from a safe distance and their vigil was rewarded when the Pig uttered a VERY VERY LOUD SQUEAK and disappeared in a cloud of evil smelling smoke. When the smoke cleared they saw that the Pig had been replaced by a 20 foot long brown snake.
''Stage Three'' shouted Jack, in ecstasy ''the Earthworm.''
''That's an EARTHWORM?'' shouted Owen.
Stage Three: Earthworm.
''We need to feed it'' said Jack immediately, as they watched it slithering up the walls of the Cell.
''I thought you said it eats Robins'' said Gwen ''it'll need hundreds of them. Where'll we get them from?''
''I could probably shoot some'' Owen said ''I'm a very good shot.''
''I don't think there are enough Robins in Cardiff to feed a thing that size'' said Tosh, gazing at the Giant Worm with horror.
''If we feed it" Jack explained ''it'll go into its next life stage quicker.''
''WE CAN'T LAY OUR HANDS ON SEVERAL HUNDRED ROBINS JUST LIKE THAT!'' Ianto shouted angrily.
''What about out in the countryside?'' asked Tosh.
''Oh yes'' said Owen, sarcastically ''I can just see us all hunting around for Robins in the woods and trying to shoot several HUNDRED of the damn things.''
''I've got an idea'' said Gwen suddenly ''what about chicken?''
''Chicken?" Jack sighed ''what d'you mean, Gwen?''
''We feed it chicken, instead of Robins'' Gwen said patiently, looking at Jack as if she thought he was slightly stupid.
''Chickens are NOT like Robins'' Jack exclaimed ''it'll know the difference--besides, it eats them RAW.''
''We can get some from a Farm'' said Gwen ''and paint their chests red--I mean look at it--it can't be very intelligent, can it?''
''Wont the paint poison it?'' Tosh asked, looking worried.
''We can use that paint they sell for kids'' said Gwen ''non Toxic.''
''I don't care if we DO poison it'' Owen grumbled ''why don't we just shoot it now--that's what I want to know?''
''It's rare'' Jack said.
Owen scowled. "If you say it's Rare one more time, Harkness, " he snapped ''I'm going to give you a punch in the eye.''
''You and whose Army?'' Jack responded.
''I can take you'' Owen growled ''I may not be big but I'm VERY sneaky.''
''Oh shut up, you two'' Tosh shouted ''you're worse than a couple of kids. I'll go and buy some Chickens.''
''I'll go and buy some red paint'' said Gwen.
''And I'm going to go and tidy the Basement'' said Ianto.
Jack and Owen stared at each other. ''I could floor you with one punch'' said Jack, as they circled each other slowly.
''Go on then'' Owen encouraged '' just try, I dare you.''
''I will'' Jack said ''in a moment.''
''And then I'll give you one back'' Owen replied ''and that'll be the end of it.''
Before, however, they could do anything to each other, the Worm made a loud hissing noise and they both looked into the Cell to see what it was doing, This was, as it turned out, a serious mistake. The Worm rose up high and spat a long, thick stream of blue spittle at them. Within a second they were both covered from head to foot in Blue Sludge.
''I think'' Jack remarked, pushing the sludge out of his eyes with difficulty ''it's a bit cross.''
''I know just how it feels'' Owen moaned.
''We need to take a shower'' Jack said.
''Funny'' Owen complained, as they made their way to the area in question ''I was thinking of staying like this--blue suits me.''
''It doesn't actually'' Jack muttered ''you look hideous in Blue--now me---I look great.''
Owen swore loudly and gave Jack's back, which was just in front of him, an hard push. Jack wobbled a bit and then turned around and pushed Owen back. They fell to the ground pushing and kicking each other and spreading Blue Sludge in all directions. They only stopped struggling because Gwen and Tosh returned surprisingly speedily from their shopping trip.
''And men think they're the Superior sex'' said Gwen, witheringly, as Jack and Owen got to their feet, scowling angrily and pointlessly at each other.
''Let's go and feed this Worm, Gwen'' said Tosh '' and leave the Children to their game.''
''He pushed me first'' said Jack, pouting childishly.
''YOU said I looked hideous'' Owen complained.
''ONLY IN BLUE!'' shouted Jack '' NOT ALL THE TIME----sometimes---sometimes you look OK--nice even.''
''Really?'' said Owen ''d'you like that Suit I bought last month then--the light Brown one?''
''Yes'' said Jack ''it brings out the Color in your eyes--what about my Grey Pants with the silver threads?''
''Very smart'' said Owen.
''OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!'' shouted Gwen, exasperated ''let's feed this damn Worm, shall we?''
They managed to feed the Worm by simply opening the Cell a crack and throwing the Chickens, complete with carefully painted Red Breasts, into the Cell. The Worm promptly ate all the Chickens. One end of it opened wide and the Chickens simply disappeared inside whole, legs, wings, head and all. Just as the last Chicken entered the Worm Ianto arrived carrying the Pizzas.
''These'' he said '' are getting cold.''
The next moment the Pizzas were snatched from his grasp and were being speedily devoured. Owen and Jack were still covered in Blue Slime too. Ianto was shocked.
''You're all behaving very oddly'' he commented, watching them from what he hoped was a safe distance.
''We're just hungry'' explained Gwen, through a mouthful of Pizza.
''What's that Blue stuff?'' asked Ianto, looking at Jack and Owen suspiciously.
''Spit'' said Jack.
''Worm spit'' said Owen and they both laughed.
''I hope it's not poisonous'' Ianto sighed.
''Oh look'' Jack cried out, ignoring the poison remark completely ''it's about to Transform again---it'll be a Fox next.''
They all looked into the Cell and sure enough, there was the now familiar smoke, green this time, and when it cleared, a small and very bored looking red Fox was sitting in the Cell licking its butt.
''Oh'' shouted Jack '' isn't that SWEET.''
Ianto banged his head on the wall and groaned.
Stage Four: Fox.
Despite Jack's tale of being bitten by a Garuldian Frog when it was in Stage Four, this particular Fox was VERY friendly. In fact, it was so friendly that they released it from the Cell and took it upstairs with them. Soon it was sitting on Gwen's lap being fed Milk Tray Chocolates from her hand while Tosh stroked its tail.
''Women'' Owen scowled when he returned from his somewhat delayed shower.
''I like women'' Jack said ''a lot.''
''They have their uses'' Owen muttered darkly.
''When are YOU going to wash, Jack?'' Ianto asked.
''I need company to get really clean'' Jack explained ''there are all those hard to reach places to deal with.''
''I'm not in the mood to get reacquainted with your hard to reach places, Jack'' Ianto snapped.
''I'll do it on my own then!'' snapped Jack in reply, and stamped off.
''Men'' said Tosh.
''They have their uses'' replied Gwen, and they both laughed. Unfortunately, this moment of camaraderie was ruined by the Fox suddenly jumping off Gwen's lap and running after Jack. It caught up with him just by the staircase and promptly bit his ankle--hard. Then it ran back to Gwen and jumped back on her lap, looking very pleased with itself.
''I HATE GARULDIAN FROGS! Jack shouted as he disappeared, limping, out of sight.
''Sensible creature'' said Owen ''I've often wanted to bite Jack myself.''
He went over to the Fox and put his hand out, meaning to stroke it. The Fox had other ideas though and managed to bite him on the hand before he could get out of the way. Gwen and Tosh both laughed.
''It doesn't seem to like men'' Tosh remarked ''sensible creature.''
''They do have their uses'' repeated Gwen, and she and Tosh giggled loudly.
Owen scowled and went off to play a Game on his PC, one involving as much killing as possible. When Jack returned, looking clean but cross, the Fox was sitting on Tosh's lap and being fed Cheese and onion crisps. Jack was mad.
''Stop feeding that damn thing or it'll turn into a Builder'' he shouted.
''Are you SURE it only builds dry stone walls?'' Ianto wanted to know ''because I can't see much use for a dry stone wall around here.''
''It's a common life stage on Garuldia'' Jack said, looking irritated at his word being doubted yet again ''when I was there we had a Carascis Tiger build us a Conservatory.''
Ianto groaned and Tosh and Gwen laughed. It was unfortunate that at that moment Owen turned up to see what was going on.
''Are you STILL feeding that thing?'' he shouted at Gwen and Tosh.
''It's cute'' Tosh said, stroking its ears.
''Gorgeous'' said Gwen, bending over and kissing its shoulder.
Owen marched over to Jack and gave his chest an hard push. "This is all your fault, Harkness'' he complained, pushing Jack again ''we should have killed it when it was a Horse.''
Jack stamped on Owen's left foot. ''IT'S INTERESTING!'' he screamed ''YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FACED WITH SOMETHING REALLY INTERESTING DO YOU? TOO DUMN!"
''DON'T YOU STAMP ON ME, YOU BIG BULLY!'' Owen screamed back.
They flung themselves at each other and toppled to the floor, screeching and shouting and kicking each other. As they did so the Fox jumped off Tosh's knees and was immediately enveloped in a cloud of orange smoke which also enveloped Owen and Jack. Gwen and Tosh coughed and Ianto ran up just in time to see the smoke filling the main part of the Hub.
When the smoke cleared, a large naked male with orange skin and hair was standing looking at them with a puzzled expression. On the floor were two small boys fighting each other and being hampered by the over large clothing they were apparently wearing. The orange man started to look around the Hub and his eyes alighted on some loose stones in the water that covered parts of the floor. He began to gather them up. The two small boys stood up, with difficulty, and glared at each other.
''THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT'' shouted the shorter of the two, who bore a frightening resemblance to Owen, only in miniature.
''YOU PUSHED ME" said the other boy, who was quite obviously a small version of Jack, and apart from size seemed hardly to have changed at all.
''SHUT UP'' shouted Tosh, and she promptly grabbed the pair of them by their shirt collars and marched them into Jack's office. ''I wont put up with this SHIT any longer'' she told them ''we're stuck here with a Frog that's building a dry stone wall and you two have turned into kids. I want to know what to do next because, to be honest, I haven't a clue!''
Stage Five: Builder.
While Tosh tried to decide what to do with Jack and Owen, the Builder started building a small rather uneven wall across the main floor of the Hub. As Gwen and Ianto watched it, two things soon became strikingly obvious. One was that this particular Frog was a lousy builder. Two was the inconvenient position of the new wall. To get to the staircase that led to Owen's Lab you had to climb over the wall.
''It's not very good, is it?'' Gwen mused, after part of the wall fell down for the third time.
''It probably needs more practice'' Ianto replied.
''I thought it'd be a good builder'' said Gwen quite seriously.
''Me too'' said Ianto.
''I wonder what it eats?'' Gwen sighed ''perhaps we should feed it, then it'll become a cat. I like cats.''
''What do builders eat?" asked Ianto.
''I think they like cheese and pickle sandwiches'' Gwen informed him ''I think we've actually GOT cheese and pickles. I'll make him some sandwiches, shall I?''
''Good idea'' said Ianto "I'll give you a hand. I'll make it some tea. Builders like tea, I think, with lots of sugar."
Tosh, meanwhile, was trying to find out exactly what had happened to Owen and Jack. The only thing she could think of was the fact that they had both been bitten by The Fox. She wondered if getting the Builder to bite them would restore them to their former selves. Somehow she thought it was unlikely.
''I think you both need to be bitten again'' she said at last, because she couldn't think of anything else ''preferably in the same place you were bitten before.''
''I was near the sofa'' said Owen.
''The place on your BODY'' Tosh almost shouted in exasperation.
''I don't want to be bitten by a Builder'' Owen moaned ''he's big and orange.''
''I don't mind'' Jack exclaimed, grinning wickedly.
''Let's go and see what he's doing'' Tosh said to them ''come on, boys.''
''I AM NOT A BOY!" shouted Owen ''I JUST LOOK LIKE ONE.''
''No, you're a mouse'' said Jack, and fell onto the floor laughing loudly. Owen jumped on him and they grappled ineffectually. Tosh pulled them apart.
''You have to behave like adults'' she told them sternly ''or else you'll stay as kids, I'm sure.''
''He started it'' Owen said.
''You stink'' said Jack.
''I DO NOT STINK'' shouted Owen, and then contradicted himself right away by adding ''YOU STINK WORSE!"
''SHUT UP!" shouted Tosh ''OR I'LL BITE YOU MYSELF!"
They discovered that the Builder was taking a break. He was sitting on the sofa eating cheese and pickle sandwiches and drinking hot sweet tea. A rather unsafe looking wall stretched across the floor of the Hub. To get around you had to climb over it. Seeing Gwen and Ianto doing this made Owen and Jack laugh. Tosh tried unsuccessfully to keep her expression totally neutral. She went up to the Builder.
''Now'' she told it firmly '' see those two boys over there. I just want you to bite the smaller one on the hand and the other one on the ankle---please.''
The Builder was evidently an obliging creature. It got up immediately and bit Jack on the hand and Owen on the ankle. Then it fell to the ground groaning and gnashing its teeth. After some moments of this, smoke emerged from its eyes and nose and mouth and ears. The smoke was silver colored and soon no-one could see anything at all. When the smoke cleared they all saw a very small black cat sitting where the Builder had fallen. It yawned, ran to the sofa, jumped up on it and went to sleep.
''I'm still small'' complained Owen, examining himself in dismay.
''So am I'' said Jack ''but never mind. There's the Cat. Stage Six. I love cats.''
''I hate cats'' said Owen, scowling.
''That's because you're stupid and dumb'' said Jack, immediately, and they began to fight once more.
''I told them to behave like adults so they could change'' Tosh told Gwen and Ianto.
''They weren't behaving like adults BEFORE '' Gwen pointed out.
''That's true'' Tosh agreed.
''How are we going to change them back?" Ianto asked ''that's what I want to know.''
''No idea'' said Tosh.
Stage Six: Cat.
''Perhaps if the cat bites them---" Gwen mused.
''OH" Ianto suddenly shouted "I've just had a thought------"
''Yippee" said Owen "Tea-Boy has had a thought!"
''Shut up you little monster'' said Ianto and promptly boxed Owen's ears ''it may not have been the BITES that changed them at all.''
''What ELSE was there?" asked Tosh, looking blankly at Ianto.
''They got covered in worm spittle" said Ianto, with a smug expression '' all we have to do--is--erm--get the cat to spit on them----.''
Gwen and Tosh looked at him in amazement. Then they both started to laugh.
''How can a cat that size produce enough spit to cover two boys?'' laughed Gwen.
''Well--" said Ianto slowly "it's not really a cat, is it---I mean--it's really a Gigantic Frog. Anyhow, maybe just a LITTLE bit of spit would do."
''I'm not letting a cat spit on ME" said Owen, scowling ferociously.
''I like cats'' said Jack, looking slightly worried ''I'm not sure I like their spit though--"
''How do we get it to spit?'' asked Gwen.
''Wake it up'' Tosh suggested ''irritate it, I suppose. Go on you two, go and bother it.''
''I don't want to'' said Owen.
''Neither do I'' said Jack.
At this moment the cat woke up and jumped off the sofa. It stretched, yawned again and then ran at Jack and bit his ankle. Then it jumped at Owen and bit his hand quite hard. While Jack and Owen stood yelling and clutching at their bleeding wounds, the cat rushed across the Hub, jumped nimbly over the wall and the next minute jumped back again gripping a mouse in its jaws. They all watched, horrified, as the cat mauled, chased, and finally killed and ate the mouse. Bits of mouse innards seemed to be everywhere. It was revolting, they all thought. At last the cat was satisfied and evidently so was whatever caused the creature to change its appearance, because the cat abruptly jumped high in the air, gave an horrendous yell of seeming anguish and suddenly was enveloped in a thick cloud of brown smoke.
When the smoke cleared the cat had gone. In its place was an enormous Frog. So enormous was it that it almost filled the Hub. Gwen, Tosh and Ianto found themselves pressed up against a wall unable to move. Near them they could see a bit of the sofa, most of it being covered with Frog. Standing balanced precariously on the back of the sofa were Owen and Jack. They were, miraculously, adult sized again.
''Stage seven'' shouted Jack, looking very pleased with himself ''The One and Only Garuldian Frog.''
The others dutifully applauded. The Frog croaked, VERY LOUDLY.
''Oh shit'' Jack moaned, holding his ears ''how are we going to kill the damn thing?"
Stage seven: Frog.
The Frog jumped and gave them all a fright. It was a fantastic jumper. So fantastic was it, in fact, that it jumped clean out of the Hub, straight past the invisible elevator and somehow, they never figured out quite how, it arrived in the street. It was rush hour. The streets were full of people. Then suddenly, the streets were empty as everyone ran away from the Frog, screaming.
Jack, Ianto, Owen, Gwen and Tosh pursued the Frog in the SUV. Within an half hour, various TV companies had arrived and Reporters were giving reports on the Crisis. The BBC abandoned its normal schedules and concentrated on the Frog. There was a News Flash to begin with:
''Reports are coming in'' stammered a flustered looking newsreader ''of a Gigantic creature resembling a Frog being seen in the Streets of Cardiff. We have a live report now from South Wales--''
''It's been seen in various places'' the Reporter in Cardiff said ''evidently it's huge and bright green with darker green blotches."
''Turn that thing off'' shouted Jack at Tosh, as he drove through the deserted streets looking for the Frog.
''It's amazing how quickly everyone disappeared'' said Tosh.
''Yes'' said Gwen " where did they all go?''
''The Frog probably ate them'' said Owen and laughed.
''It eats bugs'' Jack explained "I've a feeling it eats something else too but I can't remember what. It's mostly bugs though.''
''You'd need thousands of bugs to feed a thing that size'' Ianto sighed.
''We have to kill it'' Jack muttered, as he drove around a corner on two wheels ''I don't want to but now its loose and so big---"
''YOU said it would be 20 feet tall'' said Owen, "so why is it 30 feet tall, that's what I want to know?''
''How the fuck should I know'' Jack shouted "they're rare--even on Garuldia.''
''We could go up in a Helicopter and drop a bomb on it'' said Gwen.
''Yes and kill hundreds of innocent people in the process'' Tosh muttered darkly.
''We have to herd it out of the City'' said Jack.
''How?" asked Ianto.
''Er--lure it somehow'' Jack mumbled ''we need to find something it really likes and lay a trail for it to follow.''
''What does it really like then?'' Owen snapped "go on--tell us--"
Jack sighed, wrinkled his brow in thought and then shouted out ''I KNOW--I REMEMBER BEING TOLD THIS SOMETIME----APART FROM BUGS IT EATS VOLVOS.''
''You mean the Vehicles?'' Tosh asked, as the others all laughed.
''Yes" said Jack ''it likes 4 door Saloons. We just get one placed every so often along the route out of the City. It'll love it. Then--we blow it up."
''So'' cackled Owen ''they have a Volvo Factory on Garuldia, do they?''
''Yes'' Jack said, perfectly seriously '' and Ford too.''
''Can't we use Ford cars as well then?'' asked Gwen.
''I don't think it likes Fords'' said Jack ''we can go back to the Hub and arrange everything from there."
''Good'' said Tosh ''your driving makes me sick, Jack.''
''I learned in Westphalia'' said Jack.
''Really?"' Gwen asked, interested in this unexpected piece of information.
''Yeh'' said Jack ''on Alpha Retdonnedez. Great place to learn how to drive.''
Gwen groaned and Tosh tried not to throw up as they returned to the Hub and started to arrange delivery of the Volvos. Then they had to arrange for them to be placed at strategic points along the route. Finally they drove out of town and waited for the Frog to arrive.
''I'm glad what we do is classified'' said Ianto, as they waited for the frog '' I could never explain any of this to my Mother.''
''It's not very secret, is it though?'' said Owen '' I mean, there are about two thousand spectators out there now.''
This was only to true, unfortunately. It seemed that a large number of people from Cardiff and the surrounding countryside had arrived to watch for the Frog, along with the Army and hundreds of Reporters and Cameramen from all over the World. Their vigil was soon rewarded as within an half hour of the Torchwood Team arriving, the Frog appeared in sight. The assembled spectators gasped as the horizon was filled with frightening sight of a massive Frog carrying a Volvo within its front legs.
''LOOK" shouted Tosh "it's got an S80--I love those!''
''Why hasn't it eaten it?'' asked Gwen.
''Probably full up" said Jack ''it's had about 20 already.''
''Saving it for a snack later on'' commented Owen.
''I heard of a man that ate a Corsa once'' said Ianto.
''I bet it gave him terrible indigestion'' Owen laughed.
''I think it took a year'' Ianto muttered ''he didn't eat it all at once.''
''Let's blow it up'' said Jack ''all I have to do is press this plunger and woops--no more Frog--it's a great pity--as they ARE rare--but --''
''Just do it'' said Owen ''if you don't--then I will--it took us ages to set those explosives and it's just in the right place now.''
''Yep'' said Jack ''a half hour of solid toil.'' He gave a sigh and pressed the plunger. There was an HUGE bang and the next moment two thousand people were covered in bits of decimated Frog and mashed Volvo. It was magnificent and the air was soon filled with loud cheering. Jack pressed a second, much smaller plunger, and the air was filled with several thousand litres of Retcon. He made sure the windows and vents of the SUV were firmly closed first, of course.
Later, back in the Hub, they opened a Magnum of champagne and toasted the Frog a number of times. Finally, Owen, Gwen and Tosh went home and Ianto and Jack went to bed.
''Suppose I demonstrate those Sounds to you then'' Jack said casually, as he leaned back on his small untidy bed, totally naked.
''Not tonight, dear'' said Ianto, rolling over onto his side and shutting his eyes ''I'm tired.''
''BUGGER" moaned Jack.
''I TOLD YOU'' Ianto responded ''NOT TONIGHT.''
The next morning, Ianto concluded that the Frog thing had been a weird dream. Especially as Gwen, Jack, Owen and Tosh seemed to know nothing about any of it. Then, half way through the morning, Tosh told them all, in an excited voice, that something very strange was happening in North Wales. Several Farmers had found huge footprints on their land accompanied by large heaps of what appeared to be bright yellow shit.
''It sounds'' Jack told them ''very much as if we have a Garuldian Frog loose up there. This is fantastic. They are so rare and they have a fascinating life cycle.''
Ianto groaned and banged his head on the wall. "NOT AGAIN!" he shouted ''NOT AGAIN!''
THE END.
Great Aunt Margery's Wedding.
Chapter One. An Invite.
"Anything interesting in the Mail then?'' asked Jack, leaning back against Ianto's Bed Pillows, naked except for a Red Ribbon tied loosely around his cock.
Ianto sighed heavily and sat down on the edge of the bed. ''It's just an Invite'' he said ''to a Wedding."
''Oh great" Jack exclaimed, sitting up, "whose getting married then? Am I invited? I LOVE weddings."
''Great Aunt Margery'' said Ianto, looking miserable.
Jack actually looked surprized, which was unusual for him. ''AGAIN?" he shouted ''IT'S ONLY A WEEK OR TWO SINCE WE WENT TO HER LAST WEDDING AND THAT WAS BAD ENOUGH--- A FAT, BALD, OLD MAN MADE A PASS AT ME!"
''That was Uncle Morgan'' said Ianto '' he had too much to drink.''
''IT WAS TERRIFYING!'' Jack yelled, getting off the bed and untying the Ribbon ''I'M NOT GOING THROUGH THAT AGAIN!''
''It's nearly three months ago now'' Ianto pointed out ''and please stop shouting, Jack.''
''Your Great Aunt Margery grabbed me and tried to put her hand down my pants'' said Jack.
''She fell over'' Ianto explained ''she just grabbed for something handy to pull herself up with.''
Jack groaned. ''What happened to her Husband then?'' he asked ''he didn't last long, did he?''
''He fell overboard while they were White Water Rafting'' said Ianto, perfectly seriously ''he hit his head on a rock--they think he died instantly.''
''Why were they White Water Rafting?'' Jack gasped ''weren't they both over 70?''
''He was 69'' Ianto said ''and she was heartbroken.''
''And now she's found another sucker'' said Jack ''this'll be number----what? Eleven or something?''
''Twelve, I think" said Ianto, slowly ''or thirteen--let's think--her first fell head first off the Eiffel Tower, and then there was the one that died of Food Poisoning and then there was the one that choked to death on a Tooth and---''
''How can you choke to death on a Tooth?'' interrupted Jack, looking puzzled.
''He only had one and it came out while he was eating a Donut and he swallowed and------IT'S NOT FUNNY, JACK---it was tragic.'' Ianto tried not to smile himself. ''Anyhow'' he continued, over the sound of Jack cackling loudly ''then one of them went out Fishing in Scotland and never came back and then there was the one that fell down a Well in Australia-----that was on their Honeymoon---and then one of them got bitten by a Bat in South America or somewhere like that and got Rabies----and--''
''I think she kills them all'' Jack laughed ''in brilliant ways so everyone thinks it's an accident.''
''It doesn't matter'' Ianto muttered ''we HAVE to go--she's invited the whole Team--and it's a THEME Wedding too.''
''The last time I went to a Themed Wedding we all had to dress up as Fish'' said Jack ''I went as a Cod.''
''That's just ridiculous'' Ianto snapped crossly ''and I don't believe you--- anyhow----this is an Easter Theme. It's an Easter Wedding.''
"It's true'' Jack answered '' and I am hurt to the bone that you don't believe me----I went as a Cod---what you call a Battered Cod. I wore a Black eye Patch.''
Ianto started to laugh. He could just picture Jack dressed as a Cod wearing a Black eye Patch. However, the Wedding loomed horribly in his mind. Ever since he was small he had been going to Great Aunt Margery's Weddings. The Family had even started to make bets as to what would happen to each Husband. It was alarming, and Great Aunt Margery was weird too. He dreaded the Wedding. He absolutely dreaded it, but he had to go--his Mother would never forgive him if he didn't. Great Aunt Margery was her favorite Aunt---for some reason. He started to wonder what the new Husband was like--and how long he would live.----------
Chapter Two. The Wedding Ceremony. and Reception.
Three weeks later, Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, Tosh and Owen went to Great Aunt Margery's Wedding. She was Married, with great ceremony, considering the Bride was 73 and the Groom was 72, in the Grounds of a large Private House in North Wales, which turned out to be owned by Great Aunt Margery herself. She had evidently sold her Country Cottage, which had only 8 Bedrooms, and bought this new Place, which had 12 Bedrooms and a Ballroom.
It was obvious, when looking around at the Guests, that the Easter Theme had proved difficult. Ianto thought he had never seen so many Easter Bunny's in his entire life, and as for eggs----well---- somehow the sight of Owen dressed as a Chocolate egg, complete with Ribbon was quite frightening and Rhys and Gwen made terrifying Bunny's. Gwen had trouble with her ears, which kept flopping down over her face. Tosh looked charming dressed, for some inexplicable reason, as a Chinese Dragon and Jack was an huge Rabbit with pink ears and a bright red tail. Ianto came as a Chicken's egg which meant that he couldn't sit down. It wasn't too noticeable during the ceremony though because the shape of the Chairs meant that NONE of the Eggs could sit down.
The Ceremony itself, which was mostly written by Great Aunt Margery, was long and boring and at one point a Choir from the local School turned up and sang Easter Parade, very loudly, while dressed as baby chicks. Great Aunt Margery wore a long yellow dress covered in feathers which made everyone who got near her sneeze. Her new Husband wore a Yellow Suit with tails-----fluffy yellow tails. At the end of the Ceremony several dogs wearing yellow coats ran in, carrying squashed chocolate eggs, still in the boxes, just about, in their mouths. Great Aunt Margery and her Husband, whose name was Howard Smith, removed them from the dogs, with difficulty, and proceeded to throw them { the eggs that is-- not the dogs} to the Wedding Guests.
Gwen was hit by an egg and Jack caught one, or at least a bit of one, between his teeth. Ianto stood back against a wall and watched the proceedings. It was alarming just how juvenile people could be when presented with the opportunity to grab free chocolate eggs, he thought. Owen and Gwen actually started to fight over one egg, a fight which Gwen won because she bit Owen's neck. Vampire, thought Ianto, as he watched Owen trying to stop his neck bleeding. Jack was, depressingly, just as juvenile as everyone else. At one point Ianto saw him stuff almost a whole egg in his mouth to stop someone else getting hold of it. The dogs didn't help by running around and biting people, and one of them peed up Ianto's Uncle Phil's leg and he didn't even notice.
Finally, the eggs were all gone and the, by now, dishevelled Guests retired to the Ballroom for the Main part of the Reception, which was a buffet meal. All the food was yellow, or cream colored. The tables positively glowed with yellowness. It was terrifying. Ianto found himself separated from Jack and standing beside Gwen, who had chocolate stains all over her Bunny costume.
''Great, isn't it?'' she said to him, cheerfully ''I'm having a fantastic time. I wish I'd thought of it for my Wedding.''
''You were pregnant with an Alien'' Ianto pointed out ''you'd have looked revolting wearing yellow.''
''I look fantastic whatever I wear'' said Gwen ''everyone knows that.''
''Yes, whatever'' said Ianto, wondering what had been in the eggs to cause this particular delusion. He drifted away from Gwen and looked around for Jack. Disconcertingly, he found him being pressed up against a wall by Great Aunt Margery herself. He looked terrified.
''Oh Ianto'' said his Great Aunt, as he approached ''I've captured your Boy Friend. He is so cute and gorgeous.''
''Let him GO, Aunty'' said Ianto firmly ''you're scaring him.''
Great Aunt Margery moved away from Jack reluctantly. ''Is he good in bed?'' she asked ''I bet he is. I bet he is.''
"I'm not going to tell you anything like that'' Ianto replied, trying not to sound as if he wanted to pull Great Aunt Margery's head off.
''Oh Darling'' said his Aunt '' have I upset you?--oh dear, dreadful little me.''
Ianto grabbed hold of Jack, who was just standing motionless, looking stunned, and pulled him away from Great Aunt Margery, who called after them ''Don't forget--there are plenty of Bedrooms--go and have a good time in one of them.''
''Please, let's leave'' Jack said, as they made their escape ''I'd MUCH rather face a mad alien then your Great Aunt Margery.''
''You have to talk firmly to her'' said Ianto ''she's only human, after all.''
"Is she?" Jack muttered, as they picked up their Plates and joined the queue for the food ''and while we're here--what the hell is that?'' He pointed up toward the Ceiling.
Ianto looked dutifully upward and saw a large object, covered in cooking Foil, hanging from a Chandelier.
''It's a Goose'' he said, calmly.
''A Goose'' repeated Jack ''why is there a Goose hanging from the Ceiling?''
''Great Aunt Margery always has a Goose hanging from the Ceiling when she gets married'' said Ianto, in a matter of fact tone ''she had one at her last marriage--I'm surprized you didn't notice.''
''I probably had other things on my mind'' Jack snapped ''like your Aunt's hand down my pants.''
''It's a tradition'' Ianto explained, as they finally reached some of the food ''after the Ceremony and the reception they take it down and burn it on a bonfire----you haven't seen that bit before because last time we left too early.''
''Your family are seriously deranged, you know'' Jack said, as he helped himself to some yellow colored chicken slices ''I'm constantly surprized that you're so normal.''
''I don't think deranged is the right word'' said Ianto somewhat crossly ''eccentric-----that would be better---anyhow, you can't boast----you're the man who likes to stick carrots and cucumbers up your bum.''
''I put lube on them first'' Jack protested.
''And then you wipe them with a cloth and EAT them'' Ianto continued. At that moment the Band started to play very loudly, so any further arguing was luckily impossible. Jack and Ianto filled their plates and managed to secure two seats against a wall. Next to them on one side was Ianto's Father and on the other side was Gwen, who had removed her Bunny hat and was gobbling up food as if she hadn't eaten for a month. Next to her, Rhys was leaning back asleep.
Ianto's Father looked irritated. ''The usual chaos'' he complained, as soon as Jack and Ianto sat down ''the Goose is FAR to high--we ought to be able to touch it if we jump at it----it's too high---- and this cream isn't yellow, it's cream colored. I sometimes despair of your Mother's family, Ianto. They couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery.''
''It's what Great Aunt Margery wanted, Dad'' said Ianto.
''What's wrong with a Duck?'' his Father continued ''that's what I want to know. A Duck was good enough for your Mother and me when we got married--why does SHE have to have a Goose? And how the hell are we going to get it down? We'll have to climb on a ladder--that really defeats the whole purpose of it--doesn't it? We can hardly have a free for all jumping for the Goose when we can't reach it without a ladder, can we?''
''Perhaps someone will lower it a bit first'' Ianto sighed, wondering what Jack thought of all this weirdness. As a child he had first realized his Family were odd the day he started School. His Mother took him, and when they arrived at the School gates and she said goodby to him she actually sang it. She did a tap dance too. He had spent most of his School years trying to convince everyone he was adopted-----
Chapter Three. Dancing is good for you.
After the food was, miraculously, all gone, the tables were cleared and the band grew louder than ever as everyone started to dance. Ianto dragged Jack onto the dance floor and they tried to move in rhythm to a very boisterous rendition of a favorite song of Great Aunt Margery----In the Gloaming----which was actually a sad Victorian thing about an abandoned Woman. Half way through the song, Great Aunt Margery took to the stage and began to sing. This was without a doubt the worst thing Jack had ever had to endure in his long life. Great Aunt Margery sang as if Key and time signatures didn't exist ---and that was being kind.
The next song was, according to Ianto, called ''The White Cliffs of Dover'' although you would never have guessed that because Howard Smith joined the new Mrs Smith on the stage and they sang it as a duet. He couldn't sing any more than his new wife, unfortunately. The whole experience made Jack feel ill so they tried to escape from the Ballroom but were stopped by Ianto's Mother.
''You can't leave until we jump for the Goose, Ianto'' she informed them sternly ''it would be VERY rude and dancing is good for you----haven't I always said that? Aren't you glad I made you go to all those lessons now?''
''Yes, Mum'' said Ianto with a sigh ''but Jack doesn't feel well.''
''Nonsense'' said his Mother, punching Jack in the ribs with an amazingly strong left hook ''he looks glowing with health.''
She marched off and Ianto put his arms around Jack, who was actually gasping for breath. ''She used to box--for fun'' he explained ''she forgets how strong she is.'' He pulled Jack over to a line of chairs and there was Owen with one of Ianto's cousins, a plump female by the name of Gemma, sitting on his knees. He looked rather red in the face and didn't seem to mind much when Ianto aked him to move so Jack could sit down, as the other chairs were all occupied by older Guests.
''Better?'' said Ianto, after a few moments. Jack was definitely regaining his color, he thought.
''I wish we could LEAVE'' Jack groaned.
''We HAVE to wait for the Goose'' said Ianto ''everyone was very cross that we didn't wait last time Great Aunt Margery was married.''
''I hate your family'' Jack complained.
''Some of them are quite normal'' Ianto pointed out ''think of my Uncle H. He's an accountant.''
''You always call him Uncle H.''said Jack ''why wont you tell me his name? It's something weird isn't it?''
''It isn't his fault'' Ianto protested ''and he wont change it because he's used to it.''
''What is it then?'' asked Jack.
Ianto sighed. ''Harriet'' he said at last.
Jack looked smug. ''Told you, weird--all of them---except you'' he said.
''Let's dance'' Ianto said, swiftly changing the subject before Jack got onto HIS middle name ''they seem to be playing something we can actually dance to now and everyone's stopped singing.''
As they drifted out onto the dance floor Jack said loudly "I thought all the Welsh could sing.''
''Our family THINK they can sing'' Ianto sighed ''they don't KNOW they can't.''
Jack reflected that it was just as well Great Aunt Margery and her new Husband had stopped singing as he was about to get into the record books as the first man to die from listening to people singing. Now all they had to do was wait for the Goose Jumping and then they could go------
Chapter Four. Jumping for the Goose.
At exactly Midnight, Ianto's Father, whose name was actually George, although everyone called him Popeye, mounted the stage and shouted, ignoring the handily placed microphone, for everyone to stop dancing. This was not really necessary, because everyone had stopped dancing an hour ago, and most of the band had already gone home and Great Aunt Margery and her new Husband had gone off to bed upstairs--saving their energy for the long trip they were taking the next day. {They planned to spend their Honeymoon negotiating the Amazon River in a canoe.}
''WHEN THE GOOSE HAS BEEN LOWERED WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE CEREMONY'' he screamed, going red in the face with the effort of making himself heard without a microphone.
''Why doesn't he use the microphone?'' Gwen's voice was clearly heard asking as soon as Popeye stopped screaming.
''Perhaps it's not working'' Rhys suggested.
''My Father NEVER uses a microphone on these occasions'' Ianto explained.
''Why not?'' asked Gwen.
''I think he's worried about Radiation'' Ianto said, slowly.
''You can't get an overdose of Radiation from using a microphone'' Tosh, who was standing nearby, pointed out.
''I know that'' Ianto muttered ''you know that--everyone knows that--except my Dad.''
They watched as two large men came into the Ballroom carrying a ladder. One man climbed the ladder, while the other stood below and kept it steady. It was no more than a moment before the Goose came tumbling down from the Chandelier and plummeted rapidly earthwards, landing on the floor with a loud SPLAT, and spreading an huge circle of gunge in all directions. Unperturbed, the men gathered it up and attached a new and much longer bit of rope to the hook sticking out of one end. Eventually the Goose, dripping gore, was affixed to the Chandelier again. This was the cue for Popeye to resume screaming.
''WHEN I BLOW THE WHISTLE'' he screeched ''EVERYONE JUMP FOR THE GOOSE----THE ONE WHO KNOCKS IT DOWN GETS A PRIZE--DON'T FORGET.''
''Oh goody'' Owen said ''a prize--I wonder what it'll be--a dead Dog maybe?---Or something equally fantastic.''
"Shut up, Owen'' snapped Jack crossly ''Ianto can't help his Family, can he? And the food was good once you forgot the color.''
At that moment Popeye blew a whistle and, if Jack had thought things were weird before, this was definitely weirder. A Ballroom full of people of all ages and sizes, mostly dressed as Easter Bunny's and Eggs, rushed as one toward the Goose. Almost right away most of the Eggs fell over, as running while dressed as an Egg is not something most Humans have much practice in. The Bunny's started to jump for the Goose and got in each others way and fell over and of course, everyone was slipping and sliding in Goose detritus which, of course, no-one had seen fit to clear up. There was a lot of screaming and shouting, mostly of the "you got in my way" and ''get your great hooves off my foot'' variety.
Ianto did not jump for the Goose and neither did Tosh because jumping, or even moving much, dressed as a Dragon was simply impossible. Rhys, Gwen, Owen and Jack did jump for the Goose, and, by her magnificent biting ability and having the most pointed elbows in the known Galaxy, Gwen actually knocked it down. Everyone stopped jumping, screaming and fighting as Popeye blew the whistle indicating the contest was over. Gwen was chaired out of the Ballroom by an hoard of shouting, cheering wedding Guests.
''Gwen is a marvel'' commented Rhys admiringly ,as they followed the crowd out into the Grounds of the House, ''she can even beat people at Jumping for the Goose.''
''Very useful skill when chasing aliens '' said Owen, sarcastically.
Rhys was in love, he was immune from sarcasm. ''She might meet an alien Goose'' he said.
''Yeh'' said Owen ''we meet lots of alien Geese.''
Chapter Five. The Bonfire and a Prize.
Eventually the crowd stopped and gathered about an huge pile of wood and what seemed to be discarded furniture. Popeye mounted a small platform in front of the Bonfire and started to yell again.
''NOW'' he shouted ''WE BURN THE GOOSE--WHOSE GOT THE GOOSE?''
No-one had brought the Goose, so several people ran back to the Ballroom to fetch it. It was quite hard to carry, as it was dripping and going soggy but they managed somehow and dumped it, with a SPLOTT, in front of Popeye as he stood on the platform.
''WHERE'S OUR WINNER?'' Popeye yelled, and Gwen was pushed and prodded until she was forced to mount the platform along side Popeye. It was really too small for two fully grown adults and a Goose, so Gwen had to stand on the Goose itself , which was both unpleasant and dangerous. She bravely stood there uncomplaining though---well---maybe she did whine a little--but not much and not very loudly.
Gwen had to throw the Goose on the Bonfire and then light the fire with a taper which, conveniently, was lying on the ground next to the platform. At least, that was the theory anyhow. Unfortunately a dog was chewing it, but it was mostly still in one piece. Gwen climbed off the Goose which meant she then had to stand on Popeye's feet. He didn't object and even helped her lift up the Goose. Soon the Goose was resplendent in her arms--erm--dripping away nicely and starting to smell quite a lot too.
Gwen made a valiant attempt to throw the Goose on the heap of wood and failed. It simply landed on the edge of the Platform, toppled sluggishly over the side and oozed onto Ianto's Mother's feet. Half a dozen men rushed and lifted it up again and Gwen had the thrill of being given a second chance at throwing the Goose. She made a great effort and threw--screaming out ''go on the fire you fucking thing'' as she threw. This solved the problem magnificently and the fucking thing landed on the heap of wood, slipping downwards into the center of the heap very slowly, leaving an evil stench and lots of blood and gore in its wake.
There was then a brief and lively fight to remove the Taper from the mouth of the Dog who was worrying it. Evidently, according to Ianto, they had to use THAT particular Taper because it had been blessed by some Bishop or other. Jack didn't believe that story but it was actually true. The Bishop was a friend of Great Aunt Margery. He had almost married her once but had been deterred by the fact that her previous Husband had drowned while trying to swim across the English Channel dressed as a Bear.
Finally, Gwen had the Taper in her hot sticky paw and Popeye lit it----after a few unsuccessful tries {around 30}. Gwen leaned forward, almost topping over as she did so, and lit the Bonfire. Dense black smoke filled the air enlivened by a very revolting smell and a few feeble licks of flame. The crowd cheered wildly and began to remove their costumes and throw them onto the Bonfire.
''WHAT ARE THEY DOING?'' shouted Jack, over the sound of at least 100 people cheering and shouting.
'WE MISSED ALL THIS LAST TIME'' said Ianto cheerfully, as he climbed out of his Egg ''THIS IS THE BEST BIT.''
''THEY'RE STRIPPING'' Jack moaned. He had no objection to being naked really--but in front of Ianto's odd Family---- that was not a pleasant prospect.
''OF COURSE'' Ianto said, in a calm reasonable tone of voice.
''WHY?'' asked Jack.
''WE ALWAYS DO THIS AT WEDDINGS'' Ianto explained ''THEN WE DANCE AROUND THE FIRE AND THE WINNER OF THE GOOSE COMPETITION GETS THROWN ON THE BONFIRE. THAT'S THE PRIZE.''
''SHE'LL JUST BURN TO DEATH---'' Jack moaned ''THAT'S A FOUL WAY TO DIE--WHY DON'T WE SHOOT HER FIRST?''
''JACK'' Ianto was naked and grinning wickedly ''WE PUT THE FIRE OUT FIRST----BUT DON'T YOU DARE TELL GWEN THAT.''
Jack grinned back and began to remove his costume.
THE END.