Summery: I got the idea from this from "For anyone who's ever owned a cat-----instructions for application of oral medicine to domestic feline---or "How to give a pill to a cat.'' No cats were harmed in the writing of the piece. We have three at home.
When Owen arrived at work one Wednesday morning he was not happy to find a big ginger Tom cat sitting on his chair washing its face. "What the fuck is that thing doing there?" he demanded angrily, waving his hands ineffectually at the cat, which stopped washing itself and gazed at him sleepily. It stretched its paws and lay down. Owen tried to push it off the chair and got scratched. He tried again and got bitten. He gave up and stamped off to see Jack.
Jack was downstairs sitting on his bed. Ianto was there too and they both looked hot and red. Ianto crossed his legs when he spotted Owen and Jack grabbed his pillow and put it on his lap. "Go away Owen" said Jack ''Ianto and I are having an important discussion here--a private discussion----so bugger off.''
"Yeah'' Owen snapped "I imagine buggery figures quite large in your discussions."
''What do you want?" Jack demanded ''because if its not a matter of life and death you know what you can do."
"There's a cat on my chair'' said Owen, and suddenly realizing how feeble that sounded he added " a bloody big ferocious thing too.''
Ianto laughed. Jack grinned and said "that's Monty.''
"What's he for?'' Owen shouted " we've never had one before.''
"They catch mice and rats'' said Jack '' we have a plague of the damn things. Monty will help solve it. Now go away.''
Owen went back upstairs and found the cat still on his chair. He went and sat somewhere else. Monty slept. At one point he could clearly be heard snoring. Owen was mad. He became even madder when, quite unexpectedly, Gwen and Tosh arrived in the Hub together, laughing. They spotted Monty right away and made a great fuss of him. He didn't scratch them, he rolled on his back and waved his legs in the air and purred. Owen was disgusted. He went off to examine a Weevil that had died in one of the cells. He discovered it had had a heart attack. Owen cut it to bits and amused himself by imagining feeding the bits to Monty. That would teach him not to scratch me, he thought.
Monty became a fixture in the Hub. He caught mice and rats too, just as Jack said he would. He brought all the bodies to Owen and dropped them by his feet. At times, when Owen was out, the others would see Monty searching for Owen, usually carrying a dead creature in his mouth. Monty always made a rush for Owen whenever he saw him and would spend ages rubbing up against Owen's legs and purring loudly. Owen hated him.
Then Monty became ill. He stopped eating and his fur looked a mess. Ianto and Jack took him to see a veterinary and had to leave him there to get treatment. He had some sort of internal blockage, probably Owen thought, caused by eating one rat too many. After a week Monty was back, looking almost his old self--except he had to have a ten day course of pills. The Vet showed Jack and Ianto the correct method of giving a pill to a cat, and they brought him back to the Hub. Gwen and Tosh made a fuss of him. Owen scowled at him and Monty purred and rubbed himself against Owen's legs.
Things were fine until the following day when it became necessary to give Monty a pill. The veterinary had demonstrated the correct method of giving a pill to a cat. He had made it look so simple. Jack and Ianto were convinced they would have no problem giving Monty one pill each day. They had faced mad aliens after all. Luring Monty into Jack's office was no problem--- they simply waved cheese at him---Monty would do anything for a piece of cheese. Owen said it made his breath smell but Ianto, Jack, Gwen and Tosh still gave him cheese whenever they had any. Once inside the office they closed off any means of escape and lifted Monty onto Jack's desk.
Jack held Monty firmly and pressed his right forefinger and thumb each side of Monty's mouth. He then applied some gentle pressure and, sure enough, Monty's mouth opened. Ianto threw the pill toward the back of Monty's throat and Jack quickly shut Monty's mouth and stroked his neck, hoping the pill had gone. It hadn't. Ianto found the pill under Jack's chair. Monty was under the desk. They tried again. This time they found the pill ON Jack's desk and had to throw it away because it was soggy. Monty himself was back under the desk.
"Third time is lucky" said Jack as he removed another pill from its wrapper. This time he held Monty's paws as well as cuddling him. He had to force Monty's jaws open but Ianto had a good aim and in the pill went---they saw it go down. Jack released Monty who gave a flying leap off the desk, spitting out the pill as he jumped. Jack found the pill in his coffee after quite a long search. They decided firmer measures were needed--after all--they only had a limited number of pills.
Jack kneeled on the floor with Monty wedged between his knees. He held the cats front and rear paws as well--just in case. Monty growled but Jack and Ianto ignored him. Ianto held Monty's head with one hand while with the other he forced a wooden ruler into Monty's mouth. Jack let go of Monty's back paws and quickly rolled the pill down the ruler. It disappeared. Jack and Ianto sighed with relief.
This time Jack found the pill stuck to a cabinet. Ianto swept up the remains of a lamp and the coffee cup while Jack unwrapped another pill. It was obvious that desperate measures were needed so Jack lay on the floor on top of Monty, who was brightly wrapped in an orange colored towel. His head was just visible from below Jack's armpit. Ianto put the pill in the end of a drinking straw and, after forcing Monty's mouth open with a pencil, blew the pill down Monty's throat.
Owen assured Ianto that the pill was harmless to humans, and that all he had to do was drink a lot of water to take the taste away, and watch out for Mice. Ianto was not amused. While he drank three glasses of water one after the other, Owen dealt with the scratches on Jack's forearm. Tosh came in with a bowl of water and washed the blood off the floor. Monty sat under Jack's desk---glowering and spitting.
With Monty once more in the towel, Jack put him in a closet and, just as he was about to rush out, closed the door on him so his head was showing--and yelling loudly. Jack held the door to make sure it didn't squash Monty while Ianto forced his mouth open with a dessertspoon. Tosh expertly flicked the pill down Monty's throat with a rubber band.
This time the pill was found in Tosh's hair, Jack had blood running from a gash on his cheek, the closet door was hanging on one hinge and Ianto had several bite marks on both arms. Monty was found, after a long search, down in the medical lab. Owen was on the floor, partially conscious. Evidently Monty had run over his feet while he was examining a dead Weevil. He had jumped with surprise and tripped over some thing---he wouldn't say what---and fallen and knocked himself out.
Everyone, even Gwen, now prepared to give Monty his pill. They tied his front and rear paws together and then tied him to the leg of a table. Jack and Ianto both wore gloves. Jack forced Monty's mouth open with a spanner. He held it open while Gwen pushed in the pill. Tosh pushed a large piece of steak in after the pill. Then Gwen poured in a pint of water. Everything went down. They released Monty and ----and-------
Excerpts from the Diary of Owen Harper:
I don't know why we had to have a cat. I hate cats. I'm not too fond of dogs either. Then the damn thing got sick. I didn't mind it being taken off to the Vet but then they brought it back again. "He has to have a few pills" says Harkness. Oh yeah, I thought. The fuss they made about giving the wretched thing a pill was amazing, you could hear it yowling all over the Hub. They threw a pill down its throat, pushed one in with a wooden ruler, flicked a pill with an elastic band and blew one down with a straw and it still spat the pill out. They got covered in scratches and bite marks too. Then it got out and actually KNOCKED ME OUT! I was knocked unconscious by a damned cat! I tripped over the BLOODY THING while it was running. IT RAN OVER MY FEET!! They tied it to a table then---and tied all its feet together---and gave it steak--and it STILL DIDN'T SWALLOW THE PILL.
I hate cats but this one was really something. Anyhow the fuss Harkness made about having a few, tiny pieces of pill in his eye was astounding. You would have thought he was dying and I had to pick out the pieces--while I was still suffering concussion. No-one could care less if I was dizzy or not--they were all fussing about themselves. You would have thought Ianto, Gwen and Tosh had never been scratched by anything before. What a fuss! I had to stitch Ianto and Tosh too---I don't know how I did it. Harkness is still fussing about his eye---with all the things he says have happened to him I would have thought he'd have had a pill in his eye before.
Then of course, there's Harkness's office. In a way I rather admire Monty for that. He managed to destroy the office and break A DESK in the process. Maybe he's an alien in disguise. Now though, he's been taken away by the RSPCA. They promised to find him a good home. Tosh actually cried. Women are weird, there's no doubt about it. They're talking about getting another cat now---HELL!
Some time later:
We have a new cat. This one is a female. She's called Misty. She's already caught three mice and a rat and everyone is in love with her. Luckily she doesn't like cheese. She doesn't seem to like me. What have I done? I've always been kind to dumb animals.
Even later:
Misty disappeared for several days. We were overrun with a plague of alien mice. At least they were strange enough to be alien. She's back now. With three ginger kittens. She's grey. She never met Monty. Cats are very peculiar animals. Independent. Go their own way. I think that's why I admire them so much. Secretly. The kittens are gorgeous by the way but it's very hard to type with three kittens and a cat on your knees. They hate Jack and Ianto and Tosh and Gwen, but they are all crazy about me. I love cats.