Chapter Six.
Its a beautiful sunny morning and Ianto and I are in the woods. Although the camp is a largely artificial paradise there are some real trees and plants here. There didn't use to be when I was young. There are also berries. Juicy red, blue and yellow berries sweet to taste. Ianto and I sit on the grass and feed each other berries under the shaded sun. It is a perfect time and I suddenly wish I could put the whole moment into a bottle and keep it for all eternity. I am happy. I lay down on my back and watch Ianto sitting up eating the remainder of the berries we picked earlier. The dappled sunlight glistens on his hair and neck. His head is surrounded by a halo of light. How I love him. How very much. He turns and smiles at me. I smile lazily back. {We arose late after we made love, we didn't fuck we made love.}
"I've never seen you look so happy and relaxed before'' he says, lying down next to me and turning onto his side so he can touch my chest.
''I wish we could stay here for ever'' I tell him.
''There's a world out there and we have to return to it'' he says seriously ''whether we like it or not.''
''I know'' I say. I roll onto my side facing him and wrap my arms about him. He is warm but not sweating. The soft material of his clothing is cool to touch. Its been designed that way. I kiss him and he kisses me back and our mouths blend together and we press tightly together as if we were trying to climb into each others suits.
''We can't here'' he says, still holding me tightly anyhow.
''We can, I want to'' I say and I kiss him again and explore the hot wet interior of his mouth and run my hands down his back to his butt and wrap myself around him.
"Jack----'' he says and his mouth opens wider and his tongue touches the roof of my mouth and I'm suddenly so hard I feel desperate.
''I want you'' I tell him ''I want you so much. I love you so much.''
He rolls us over so he is on top of me and moves down the cool gray of my all in one suit and sucks my nipples through the material and I thrust against him and I feel the heat of an overwhelming desire coiling deep inside me and when he presses his mouth against the bulge of my cock I cry out loudly and he sits up right away looking hot now and little drops of sweat are dropping on me from his face. He pulls at his own pale blue garment and manages to get it down to his hips without standing up. I can't move for a moment. I'm afraid if I touch myself or Ianto touches me right now I'll come. I watch him as he stands up and strips naked. He is beautiful. I control my breathing at last and Ianto helps me remove my own clothing. He puts our boots side by side so they are touching. I have a daft sentimental thought that even our boots are in harmony.
We lie together on the grass its soft to the touch and I can feel it under me as Ianto rolls us over so he is on top and he kisses me and I kiss him and we roll over again so I am on top and then back again and I wonder if we can do it without lube and if it'll hurt and I suck and nibble Ianto's nipples and lick his chest down and down and down and bypass his anxious cock and suck his balls and roll my mouth around first one and then the other and I kiss his inner thighs and he moans and then he kisses my chin and bites my neck and I think--vampire--- and I'm leaking over myself and him and he is too and we're getting damp and sticky and he puts his tongue in my navel and for some reason that makes me even more exited and I lift my legs and wrap them around his body and he moves down and I feel his tongue enter me and start to explore and he has a fantastic tongue and he spits there and spit isn't really enough but I'm still open from earlier and he rubs spit over his cock and then he reaches for his suit and in the single pocket is a small tube of lube and I didn't even know he had it with him and its just enough just enough and when he enters me its so good and we move and we move and I can feel him inside me so deep and I want him deeper and I push myself against him and I'm groaning and panting and his breathing is loud and its so marvelous I wish we could fuck for ever and ever and never stop and come and come and never stop and then I feel it starting and I cry out that I'm coming and he says he is too and we shake against each other and we're together and we're together and I feel him spurting inside me hot and hot and I'm coming all over myself and him and its beyond great its -----out of this world fantastic.
We lie together still joined, panting hard. Ianto slides out of me slowly but I still try to keep him inside of me because we were one and I want us to stay like that as long as we can. "Ianto'' I say ''oh God, Ianto.''
''Wow'' he says as last ''that was------that was -----''
"Yeh'' I respond.
''We're going to be stuck together'' he mutters.
I shut my eyes. I need to sleep. I hardly ever slept in the Hub but its different here. I'm home here. I can sleep for hours without even dreaming. ''I don't care'' I tell him ''we can stick together for ever.''
''What about food?'' he asks, smiling '' and everything else?''
''I've seen you piss and shit'' I say sleepily '' I wouldn't care.''
''I meant we ought to get back'' he says, laughing now ''your Great Grandfather might wonder where we are. We've been gone for ages.''
''I just want to sleep for a bit first'' I say and I roll us both onto our sides and as we move I can feel that we are starting to really stick together. Its actually not a pleasant feeling. I sit up reluctantly. My chest and groin are covered with dried come I came so hard. Its amazing to me that it can make such a mess. I pick absently at it. As I sit up I realize that Ianto's own contribution to this scenario is oozing out of me onto the grass. ''I'm sitting on wet grass'' I tell Ianto. He laughs again and helps me up. I'm really tired now. I lean against him and shut my eyes. He has to help me dress as well as dress himself. I can tell he is tired too though. My suit is ruined. Its lucky I have several.
When we arrive back at our cabin we're both surprized to see that Great Grandfather is not only up and about he has made lunch and has a visitor too. He has set up tables and chairs outside the cabin and he and the visitor, an elderly lady, are sitting there side by side, chatting and eating what appears to be a salad. He waves to us as we arrive.
''Arlen'' he shouts as Ianto and I go over to the table ''this is Evera. She's in the next cabin all on her own so I thought she could come over and here she is.'' He turns to Evera and introduces Ianto and I. ''This is my Great Grandson Arlen and his boyfriend'' he says ''he's a foreigner. He's called Ianto. I didn't use the replicator'' he adds ''Evera and I got the meal ready ourselves."
We shake hands very politely and then make our excuses and go inside the cabin. I really need to bathe. Ianto and I shower together and its a squeeze, but we manage somehow. We find some clean clothing and are soon outside with Great Grandfather and Evera eating salad. There is lettuce which looks pretty much like 21st century lettuce. There is fresh fruit and pink potatoes and blue tea and pieces of cucumber and bread, crusty and surprisingly warm. I can hardly eat I'm so tired and Ianto keeps yawning which doesn't help to keep me awake. At one point I do fall asleep because I wake up with a jerk and a piece of cucumber falls out of my mouth onto the table. It looks half chewed. I'm relieved when at last the meal is over and Ianto and I are free to go to bed. We flop onto the bed and fall asleep with our clothing and boots still on. Great.
I awake with a jolt and roll over expecting to bump against Ianto's warm body. He isn't there. I am alone on the bed. I get up. I'm hot and sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable. I go to look for Ianto. He isn't in the cabin and neither is Great Grandfather or Evera. I shower and piss and change into another suit. Then I leave the cabin to look for Ianto and Great Grandfather. There is a hideous sick feeling in my stomach as I stand by the door to the cabin and for a moment I'm actually scared to leave the building. I can't understand why I'm suddenly on my own. Where have they gone? Where is Ianto? I leave the cabin. I leave and then I see. Great Grandfather and Evera are there, still sitting at the table where we had our lunch. Their heads are sunk onto their chests. I run to them and I lift Evera's head and she is dead, her eyes blank and staring. I am almost afraid to look closely at Great Grandfather. I swallow the bile rising in my mouth and lean over him. He is breathing. His breath puffs shallowly over my hand as I carefully lift his head. Then his eyes open and he looks straight at me.
''They came'' he says in a breathless voice.
''Who came, Grandfather?'' I ask, tremblingly..
''Them'' he says ''Arlen. them."
''Where's Ianto?'' I ask ''where is he?''
''I didn't see'' he says ''I think they took him though, that's what they do. The Xrptens. They take slaves. You've been away--you wouldn't know about them. I don't know why I'm still here, alive. I don't know.'' He looks at me and his eyes fill with heavy tears. We cry together. Ianto is gone and I'm alone. I wish I was dead. I wish I could die. I wish----I wish-----
Chapter Seven.
I have to bury Great Grandfather. He lingers for a while but his breath comes slower and slower and finally ceases. I bury him and I am now truly alone. I pack a bundle of stuff that may be useful and go to search the Camp for signs of life. Almost right away I wish I hadn't. There are bodies----and bodies--and more bodies. Some look merely as if they fell asleep and didn't awake. Some look as if they died in the act of trying to escape and were felled as they ran. The remainder obviously died in unspeakable agony. Their faces are fixed in expressions of unbearable terror and they are lying in oceans of blood. I have never seen so much blood. It is endless and drying and the copper smell permeates the air. I wander about aimlessly in a state of shock for hours finding more and more scenes of devastation.
At last I stop my perambulations and sit down by a tree. Then I notice what I would have seen earlier if I hadn't been so stunned by events. The trees are loosing their leaves and the plants are dying. I realize too that the atmosphere is deteriorating and the air is growing thinner. I am beginning to get breathless although I'm not moving now. I look up and far above me I can now see the roof of Hollington Camp. I can see its structure clearly. Now I am really terrified. The whole Camp is collapsing and soon I will be as dead as the bodies around me. Or will I? Can I die now? Have the Xrptens done something to me no one else could? I can hardly breathe at all now and I lie down under the tree and shut my eyes. As the breath leaves my body I think of Ianto and Arliss and all the other people that I have loved and lost. If only I believed in a life after death I could take comfort in the thought that someday I will be reunited with everyone. But I don't believe. The body dies. It ends. There is nothing. Nothing at all-------nothing-----
I open my eyes. I am no longer under the tree. I am no longer on grass, artificial or otherwise and I'm naked and lying on a bed. A long narrow bed. Above me I can see a plain silver metal ceiling. I sit up and look around. I am in what appears to be a cell, since three sides are sliver like the ceiling and the fourth side is covered in grey metal bars. There is a toilet in the corner of the cell. I stand up and go and use it. I can't figure out how to flush it. There is a bright green liquid in the bottom which smells slightly medicinal. I look out through the cell bars and can see a corridor. It seems to be empty but I can see the bars of what must be other cells. I can't see if any of them are occupied. I go and sit back down on the bed. I realize that I'm hungry. I have no idea where I am or what is happening. It is an unpleasant feeling.
Suddenly I hear the sound of a door, metal and heavy, being opened not far away and the next moment my cell door is opened as well and I'm face to face with three armed men. They look human. They're all about 3-4 inches taller than I am and all of them have red hair and amazing red eyes. They're pointing guns, which look strikingly old fashioned, at me so I stand up and raise my hands.
''You've been processed'' says one of the men in perfect English, ''come.''
They have the guns so I do. I go with them, or rather, they make me walk ahead of them. I'm naked but they're not only armed, they're clothed too in some kind of strange red uniform complete with epaulettes. We go along the corridor and turn a corner and go through another barred door and then I'm literally pushed into another cell. This one is larger than the first but it needs to be as it is full of naked men. The cell is, in fact, so full of people that at first it seems as if there isn't even room to sit down. However, I soon realize that there is more room than I thought. The occupants of the cell have all crowded at the cell door to see who is being thrust among them. I suddenly wonder if Ianto is amongst this crowd.
I stand by the cell bars and shout ''IANTO-----IANTO------" and a miracle occurs, a voice shouts in reply "JACK---IS THAT YOU?'' The crowd thins as a figure pushes through them. It's him, it is my Ianto. He stops in front of me and we look at each other. He seems fit and his skin is clear and unmarked. He isn't injured. I can hardly believe that he's here, in front of me. I reach out my hand, tentatively, half afraid I'll awake and find it's all a dream, and he reaches his hand out at the same moment and our fingers touch. His finger is warm and real and it isn't a dream and we are together.
''You're here, Jack'' he says ''really here.''
''I don't know how I got here or where I am'' I tell him.
''This is a prison ship'' he tells me ''we're all being taken to Xrpten. I was asleep in bed and when I woke up I was here. I don't remember what happened in between.''
''When I woke up you were gone'' I explain ''Grandfather told me The Camp had been attacked and you'd probably been captured. Then he died and I-----'' My eyes fill with sudden tears and I start to sob. I can't stop it. He puts his arms around me and I sob onto his bare shoulder. The other inhabitants of the cell are silent. They aren't mocking or critical of our actions. Maybe they're thinking of all the loved ones they've lost or left behind. Ianto pulls me over to a seat and we sit down there together. I notice that there are no beds but there are bare benches and hard chairs. Some people are sitting on the floor but many have found a seat even if it is hard and ungiving. I lean against Ianto and tell him slowly about the conditions I left in Hollington Camp.
''They've given us food and water'' Ianto tells me, at last ''the food wasn't terribly edible but it was filling once you managed to chew it down and the water was drinkable, just about.''
''What are they going to do with us?'' I ask him.
''Oh, we'll be sold'' he says quite calmly ''as slaves usually are.''
We sit side by side holding hands and each thinking our own thoughts. Mine are mostly about Ianto and what will happen to the two of us. Then I start to think about escaping. In this I have a built in advantage over everyone else here and also over the Xrptens themselves. I CAN'T DIE. Whatever I do they can make me suffer endlessly but they can't kill me. I wonder if I can think of a plan. At this moment I'm too hungry to think straight and the shock of finding Ianto again is still too new. There is another problem too. The cell's two toilets are not sufficient for this number of people. The green liquid in them, which presumably cleans them and rots the contents, is not working fast enough. The toilets are starting to block up and stink. We have to use them though. We have no choice. After I've been in the cell only around a couple of hours though both toilets are completely blocked. Then people start peeing on the floor and then they shit on the floor too. There is no sign of any food or drink arriving either.
Finally a fight starts between two men and several others join in. There is a great deal of shouting and swearing. Ianto and I keep out of the way. We go to the cell bars and lean against them and hope we don't get dragged into this pointless conflict. Within moments however, our Guards arrive with their guns and fire them indiscriminately into the cell. Ianto and I lean against the nearest wall and by some miracle are not hit. Bodies fall to the floor and there is blood everywhere. It is a scene from hell as men scream and shout and try to escape to the far end of the cell. Then the guns are silent and more Guards arrive accompanied by a very tall Xrpten who is dressed all in Black. He is in charge I realize at once. He shouts at the Guards who shot at us, in some foreign language that I can't understand, and they are obviously afraid of him even though they have guns and he has nothing but his height and authority.
The cell is opened again and those of us who are unhurt are led away down another corridor to a clean cell. Since this cell is the same in every way as the last one we were in there is now a lot more room for us. There were around 60 men in the last cell and now there's only about 25 of us left. We all have a seat. It's horrible to admit it but I'm relieved. We still aren't given any food though or any water. Time drags terribly when you're hungry and thirsty. Gradually everyone stops talking and we all try to get some sleep. It's difficult to sleep on a hard bench anyhow and the hunger and thirst makes it even worse. My stomach is making rumbling noises and my mouth is very dry. I can't even produce any spit.
At last, after what seems like weeks but was probably only about three or four days, we are given some food and water. The water has an odd taste but there's plenty of it. We are given a large barrel of the stuff and a metal cup and plate each. The food is in a huge cooking pot which has three legs. There is a ladle and plenty for all. It's a kind of stew which has bits of what I guess are vegetables in it plus some type of meat. I find I'm wondering what animal we are eating. There is enough for everyone to have a second helping and Ianto has finished his and I'm taking the last swallow of mine when there's an horrendous scream of anguish from a seat at the rear of the cell.
''DON'T EAT IT" the voice shouts in a desperate tone ''DON'T-----PLEASE-------SEE HERE-------SEE THIS-------IT'S A TATTOO--------I WAS NEXT TO HIM-------I SAW THE TATTOO-----IT WAS ON HIS ARM-----A HORSE-----I SAW IT------THIS IS PART OF IT-----IN THE SOUP------WE'VE EATEN HIM-----WE'VE BEEN EATING HIM-----OH GOD HELP ME------"
There's a shocked silence for a moment in the cell. Several men still eating stop and spit out mouthfuls of stew onto the floor. My stomach turns over painfully. Have we really eaten one of our former cell mates or is this particular man just insane? I look at my empty plate and think ''well, if we have eaten him, it's too late to worry about it now.'' I start to wonder what we'll do when the next meal arrives and if it'll be another of our former companions. I realize I'm not thinking very sensibly about this. My thoughts are all jumbled and confused and I have a headache as well. I need to lie down but there's nowhere but the floor and the man is yelling about the tattoo and flinging himself about screaming and crying while others are attempting to quieten him down in case the Guards arrive again with their guns.
''We're cannibals'' Ianto says to me suddenly '' and I'm not even shocked. We've broken the last taboo.''
''Not from choice'' I tell him ''we just ate what we were given. We didn't know it was human meat. I was very hungry.''
''Me too" he says. He looks at me. ''Would you have eaten it if you'd known what was in it?'' he asks.
''It was all they gave us'' I point out.
''Would you have?'' he persists.
I look him straight in the eye.''Yes'' I say ''I would.''
He sighs. "Me too'' he says ''me too.''
I can't die but I can get damned desperate and Ianto CAN die. It's all my fault he's here in this mess and the guy was obviously dead anyhow. So we ate him instead of starving. I sit there thinking that this unknown human has saved a lot of lives. I really don't want to eat anyone else though. I start to hope we'll reach Xrpten soon.
Chapter Eight.
It is some days, at least I think it is, since we ate Human Flesh. We have been fed regularly since then and most of us eat what we are given. Two guys refuse to eat in case it's Human meat. They are visibly starving now and I can see their ribs standing out from their chests. We had all lost weight before the Human Meat arrived and these Guys haven't eaten ANYTHING for ages. All they do is drink the liquid we are given. There isn't much nourishment in that I don't think.
We are all sitting around in silence when several armed Guards arrive. They move us out of the Cell we are in and march us down the corridor. We turn a corner and we are in yet another corridor. Along both sides are small cells. The corridor stretches into the far distance and seems endless. I can see dozens of cells. They all have metal bars and look very much like the cells do in old Movies. The Guards push us into the cells two by two. Ianto and I hang onto each other and by a magnificent stroke of good luck we are pushed into the same cell.
The cell is a great improvement on our previous accommodation. It has two narrow beds complete with old fashioned pillows, sheets and blankets. At the back of the cell there is a toilet and a wash hand basin. Above the basin is a small cabinet with a mirror on the front. Opposite the toilet and Basin is a door. I open it and find it is a store cupboard. The upper part has shelves filled with strikingly 21st Century looking cans and packets of food. On the floor in front of the shelves is what turns out to be a small refrigerator. It is full of cartons. I can't understand the writing on them so I open one. Inside is a white liquid which tastes just like Cow's Milk.
Ianto and I sit together on one of the beds and drink the Milk. Ianto grins at me. I grin back. "Maybe" he says slowly " they're going to fatten us up for sale now they've weeded out the weaklings".
"Ugh" I say in reply. I get up and look at myself in the Mirror. I look terrible. I can't remember the last time I looked so awful. I am dirty, my hair is long and greasy, I have a messy, straggly beard and my teeth are brown. Somehow, I think, I look worse than Ianto. I open the cabinet and inside are various toilet articles. Scissors, nail clippers, hair shampoo, toothpaste and brushes, soap, and old fashioned shaving razers. Ianto comes and stands next to me. We gaze at the items inside the cabinet together.
"We can clean up" Ianto tells me "let's do that first and then see what's in those tins."
We spend what seems like hours cleaning ourselves. Ianto cuts my hair and I cut his. I find I am useless at cutting hair. Ianto cuts mine evenly and it feels good to have short hair again. I cut his unevenly, but he says he doesn't mind. Bathing yourself from head to foot in a small basin meant for washing hands is difficult, but we are dirty and determined and there is plenty of hot water. Finally we look at each other and we are human again, or at least Ianto is, I'm as human as I was before-----
We open cans and packets and eat a strange meal of what looks like Baked Beans and some kind of canned fish. It all has to be eaten cold, straight from the cans and packets, and with our fingers. It tastes heavenly. We clean up and Ianto puts the empty cans on the floor of the pantry since we can't find anyplace else to put them. I have another go at my teeth. I hate having brown teeth and cleaning them three times still hasn't made a lot of impact.
We flop together on one of the beds. I lie down and Ianto lies down too. He's partly on top of me because the bed isn't very big. I close my eyes. It feels so good to have his warm flesh pressed up against mine again. We roll onto our sides and face each other. Ianto kisses me tenderly.
"Love you" he says " whatever." He closes his eyes.
"Me too" I say "forever." I close my eyes and feel myself drifting--drifting-----I sleep. I dream of home long ago. I am with Arliss and we chase each other across a field bright with red flowers and we stop chasing and he picks a flower and blows the petals counting one two three four and then the petals are gone and he is gone too and I am left with emptiness and I look around and in the distance I can see Ianto and he's a child like me, and dressed like me too in an all in one suite with bare legs and feet and we run to each other and we meet and hug each other and he says "Jack, forever." We lie on the grass and I roll over and I can feel the sun shining hot upon me and the grass warm against my bare legs and feet and I am happy so happy----
I awake suddenly. Our cell is moving in an alarming and frightening manner. It's a miracle we're still on the bed. I sit up and Ianto opens his eyes and sits up too. Despite the vibrating and shaking of the cell we manage to get up. We stand in typical prisoner fashion, I realize later, clinging to the bars at the front of the cell. Nothing except the bare wall of the corridor is visible. Then we hear the sound of an huge explosion and then another and I can see smoke coming toward us along the corridor. The smoke gets thicker and we both start to cough. Then we hear the noise of running feet coming closer and closer----
Abruptly the cell door slides open and I grab Ianto's hand as we venture into the smoke filled corridor. The smoke is growing more and more dense and I can't see much and I can feel my lungs filling with smoke and I'm wheezing and so is Ianto and I hurry down the corridor clinging tightly to his hand and we go round a corner and then another and then we're in a mass of people or rather creatures since they aren't all Human and we're all running and running and the smoke is following us and meeting us around bends and some of the creatures trip and fall down and I hear them cry out as others run over them treading on their hands and their limbs and their heads and blood runs along the corridor following our flight and those in front stop suddenly and others fall on top of them because they can't stop running and I stop moving holding onto Ianto and press us against a wall and creatures are falling and screaming and the Guards in their Red uniforms appear shooting indiscriminately and more and more creatures fall down and the corridor runs with blood and bodily fluids and then there is a massive flash of blue light and the Guards fade out and leave nothing of their presence except a black pool of viscous liquid and I look down at my chest and there is an huge hole there and I can see my rib cage and I'm covered in blood and it's shooting out of me like a fountain and I'm standing in a puddle of it and I look at Ianto and he is covered in blood and I don't know if it's mine or his and I can taste blood in my mouth and I can see my own heart beating and beating and then it slows----and slows--and slows----and slows and I look at Ianto I look at Ianto and he's still upright I know he's unhurt he is covered in my blood----my heart is stopping--stopping----I am dead again I know I am dead and I fall into the darkness that is death except it's not dark it's so bright the light hurts my eyes and I screw them half shut and then I'm standing up and I'm in the Hub I'm in the Hub and I can see Owen and Tosh and Gwen and they're working busily and I call out to them but they don't hear me and I think they got home they're in the Hub they got back everything's going to be fine and then I walk forward and I'm in another corridor and it's the Hospital in Cardiff and I walk into a room and there they are again Tosh and Gwen and Owen and now Ianto is with them and I think he got Home he got Home but where am I and they're gathered around a bed and I look at the bed and I am lying there white and still and I know I'm dead and I think----SO I DIED AT LAST---and the blackness is calling me and I welcome it because I have died I HAVE DIED AT LAST AT LAST-----OH HEAVEN DEAD AT LAST-----
Chapter Nine. Tomorrow is another day.
I still can't believe what has happened. I can't believe it. I have to keep looking at his body to convince myself I haven't dreamed it all, but when I go and look, there he is, white and still. After the chaos of the takeover of the Xrpten ship it was a while before all the dead bodies were collected and transported over to the Earth Vessel that had, I discovered later, been following us for some time. I had no idea the Earth of the 51st Century was so well equipped. In my ignorance I pictured the Earth destroyed and left barren and bare. I was surprised to learn that only a few places had actually been attacked. It had been a quick strike primarily to obtain slaves for the Xrpten Home World.
Now I am fine and have new clothes and a cabin all to myself and he is in a drawer in the ship's morgue. It shouldn't be this way. I should be dead and he should be alive. Wasn't he immortal after all? Did the privations of the voyage effect his immortality? I don't know. All I know is he is dead and I am alive and thriving. I don't know if I can live without him, if I can go on. I can't believe that he is gone.
I have been allowed to get in touch with Jack's Family on Earth and, with my increasing knowledge of 51st Century English, I managed to tell them what had happened. They had already buried Jack's Great Grandfather and knew some of what was going on. I had to give them the sad news. It was heartbreaking. They just got him back and now he's gone for good. I don't know how I am going to get back to my own time and, at the minute, I don't really care what happens to me.
I go to the morgue once more and ask to see his body. People are wandering in and out of the place all the time and I am starting to recognize the same faces who, like me, go again and again. The Attendant opens his drawer and I gaze at his face, so still, so white, so devoid of life. I shed tears and lean over and kiss his cold lips and touch his frozen cheeks. At first he just looked as if he was sleeping but now he really looks dead and I know he is gone. After all those deaths he endured. After all the stabbings and shootings and stranglings and everything else, this time he is gone. I know he didn't believe in an after life but I have doubts. I half believe. I would like to believe there is something special waiting for us after our bodies die. I'd like to think that if I died I would meet him somewhere and we could spend eternity together.
I keep thinking of all the times we spent together. I keep hearing his voice in my head--the way he said my name--the way he smiled---I ache all over from wanting him----if I believed in a soul I would gladly sell it to the Devil to get one more moment with him. I thought I loved before I met him but I was wrong--the way I felt for him was all encompassing---it was like I found a part of me that was missing before and now I have lost it forever---I know if I live to be an Hundred there will never be another Jack in my life. I want to die. I want to die because I can't endure the way I feel. I have lost him and I have lost myself too--I can't see myself when I look in a mirror--I am a shadow without substance--he was my anchor and now he is gone----.
I look at his face, so still, and wonder what he thought in those seconds before he died. He was terribly injured. I was covered from head to foot in his blood. There was a huge hole in his chest and all his ribs were broken. Even then I didn't think he was dead for ever. I thought he would recover as he has done so many times before. I was wrong. It's been over a month now and he's still dead. He is really gone this time and I must accept the inevitable. They made him look presentable before they consigned him to his own drawer in this morgue. They actually stitched his chest wound. I don't know why they bothered. At the time I thought he would wake up after a couple of days and be as good as new. I was wrong.
I push the drawer shut and wonder how I will get home. I wonder if the Black Tardis we came in has somehow been sent back to this time by Owen, Tosh and Gwen. It's been so long since I've seen them. I tell myself that it'll be great to see them again, but I don't really care that much. Without Jack, I don't care that much about anything. I go back to my cabin and sit on the bed and think about Jack. He was always so alive and so THERE. I can't live without him. I can't face years and years and years without him. I might live another 60 years or more. How can I endure all that time without him? We have been told there is not far to go now and in a few days we'll be home. I have to go to Jack's family with his body. He'll be cremated and that'll be that. Well, I think, Jack wanted to go home. Now he'll be home forever, literally. I'd really like to take him back to my Earth, to the Hub, just in case---just in case some day he wakes up. I still hope----somewhere deep inside there is still that tiny spark of hope---
I don't know how I'll live without him. I can't endure it. It's the worst thing. I take the gun out of the bathroom Cabinet. I took it off a dead body and it's been hidden in several places since. I feel its weight in my hand. I check to make sure it's loaded. It is. I have gone through this ritual dozens of times ---I do it again and again. I put the barrel against my forehead and squeeze the trigger. It is a blank. Again. There is only one bullet in this old gun. I put it down and lie face down on the bed and sob. My tears soak the bed. I can never shed enough tears for him and my face feels heavy with them all the time. How can I go on living without him? He was the other half of me and together we made a perfect whole and now he's gone----I can't believe that I'll never see him smile again--never feel the warmth of his body--never hear his voice---I have suddenly realized what it must have been like for him for years and years----loving and loosing again and again and again---knowing that he would outlive those he loved-----I don't know how he could bear it----
I get up and wash the tears off my face and return the gun to the Cabinet. I have made a bet with myself. One try each day with the gun. I'm still alive. It's all so unfair. HE should be alive. WHY isn't he alive? I wish I was with him wherever he is now. If it's paradise or hell or nothing, I don't care. I want to be with him. I'll try again tomorrow. Perhaps the bullet will find my brain and this agony will be over. I long for it to be over. We were soul mates. We found each other and we were meant to be together. How I wish I was with him now. Wherever he is. I'll try again tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.
Chapter Ten.
Prologue.
Ianto arrived back on Earth and was Transported, together with Jack's body, to Jack's home town, where he was reunited with Jomah, Annalee and Granton. They all looked older than he remembered, as if the news of Jack's death had aged them 10 years overnight. Jomah, who Jack called Pa, looked especially old and so did Granton, Jack's Father. Even Annalee looked drawn and sad. Jack, in his white metal coffin, was soon lying in state in the Local Morgue and the moment he could escape from the Lederbergs, Ianto went over there and spent hours with Jack's lifeless body.
Desperation gave Ianto strength however and he implored the Lederberg family to let him take Jack back home with him. To his immense surprise they agreed. ''We know he belongs with you" Granton said, calmly "we've said our goodbyes so you take him, son, take him home.'' Ianto knew enough 51st Century English to understand them and suddenly felt an overwhelming love for them all. He was glad Jack had had those moments with his family before he died. He had gone home and seen them before he went. Ianto was grateful that Jack had, at least, had that.
Finally, they all went to the Field where months ago Ianto and the others had arrived in the 51st Century and Jack had excitedly recognized his home town. Beside the shining edifice of Jake's Tower stood a familiar black cube. Ianto waved his hand past the Anomaly Tosh had identified all that time ago and, as before, the side of the Cube slid open. They carried Jack's Coffin inside and Ianto shed tears as he said Goodbye, knowing none of them would ever meet again.
Ianto.
Well. I am home. I took Jack home to the Hub. Owen, Gwen and Tosh were all there and told me about their adventures getting home. I hardly heard them as my thoughts were inevitably all with Jack. MY Jack. He is in a Drawer now. In storage. Just in case he awakes. I feel now that he is gone for ever. Immortality left him somewhere in Outer Space and he became mortal and died. Often he told me how he longed for Death and now he is gone. Death has claimed him and I am ready now to go wherever he has gone. I go down to his quarters, where we spent so many happy hours, and sit on his bed. It is still untidy and I lean down and sniff the bedding and I can almost smell him, he seems so near when I am here. I take the gun out of my pocket. I sit holding it. It is cold and hard. I spin the chamber. I put the gun against my forehead. I slowly squeeze the trigger----------
The explosion seems far away, yet near at the same time. I feel the bullet enter my brain. I fall backward on the bed. My eyes are open and I see a fountain of blood shooting upward. I can see the ceiling. It's getting nearer--it's falling toward me---it's going to squash me to the bed----I can hear my breath coming in short gasps---my eyes are still open----then I see----I see in a cloud of brilliant white light-----a being full of brilliance----the light blinds me and I screw up my eyes----then I open them again and I am in a field of bright red flowers--there is a faint breeze stirring--the flowers move in the breeze---I walk slowly through the long grass---in the far distance I can see the lights of a City--it floats above the ground on invisible wings-----I walk toward the City-----then I see a figure--running--running---getting nearer and nearer----and it's Jack-----it's MY JACK-----he is running to me----his long coat--the same old coat he always wore---flies out behind him in the breeze---he is near----so near-----and then the darkness--THE DARKNESS COMES----I see him no more-----
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I open my eyes and the first thing I see is Owen, bending over me. I reach up my hand and touch my head and I can feel bandages. My head aches and feels heavy. Owen is here. I am alive. I didn't find Jack. He was so near I could almost feel his breath upon me. ''You saved me'' I say to Owen.
''Near thing'' Owen remarks, looking pleased with himself ''I did a really great job with that bullet though. You miss fired too which helped. I'm surprised you didn't wake up before now. You've been out for three days.''
Only three days. I was near Jack. I nearly reached him. He was running to me. He was running to me and Owen brought me back and he's PLEASED. I am so mad with him I could kill him. ''I wanted to go" I tell him.
''Jack wouldn't have wanted that" Owen says "you don't think so now but in time-----you think I don't know what it's like to loose someone you love. To loose someone you expected to spend a lifetime with, but I do. I've been there. It DOES get better."
''I don't want it to get better" I mumble ''I want Jack.''
''Ianto'' Owen says, calmly ''WE want you here.''
He gives me a drink of water and I sip it slowly. It is cold and tastes delicious. When he goes I shut my eyes and think of Jack. I will never stop thinking of Jack. I know if I live to be One Hundred there will never be another Jack for me. I want to be with him. I want to feel his hot body pressed against mine. I shall love him till the day I die. Owen is wrong. I know it will never get better. I'll always be half a person. My life will be forever just half a life. Time will pass but I wont be living. I shall just be existing. My life will be one long trial with no end in sight. I wish I was dead.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three months later we are all at work. It's a lovely sunny day and we are all down in the Hub where no sunlight penetrates, working. I have a scar on my forehead. That's all that shows of my futile attempt to join Jack. I haven't tried again. I just live from day to day in a kind of limbo. The sun shines but it never enters my soul, which is perpetually dark. I have moved into the Hub and I sleep every night in Jack's bed. I dream of him. I think of him. He is there always somewhere just out of reach. If only----
Owen goes out with Gwen some place where a strange object has been found in a field. I try to be interested, but I really don't care about anything any more. I don't care. I look at my reflection in a mirror and a stranger looks back at me. A stranger with untidy hair, who hasn't shaved for days and who wears jeans at work. I don't know myself. A stranger looks back at me from the mirror. I decide to have a shower and a shave. I tell myself that Jack wouldn't know me like this. I go and clean up and, in a moment of madness, put on a suit and tie.
I go and open Jack's drawer and look at him. I try to tell myself that he's sleeping and could awake at any moment. I lean over and kiss his frozen lips. He is white and cold and dead. I shed the usual tears and then I suddenly get mad. I straighten up and glare at him and start shouting at him. ''YOU LEFT ME--YOU COLD BLOODED BASTARD---" I scream ''I LOVE YOU AND YOU LEFT ME HERE ALONE FOR EVER---I CAN'T EVEN KILL MYSELF WITHOUT OWEN SAVING ME---I HATE YOU--I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU--YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE----.'' I go on and on. It's all rubbish but I'm mad with everything and I don't care. I stop and lean over him----I lean over him----and-----and------
Jack.
I come out of the blackness to a feeling of great coldness. I can hear a voice shouting just above me. I open my eyes and it's hard opening them but I manage and I recognize Ianto's voice and then he's bending over me and his tears are wetting me and soaking me and I am so cold I start to shudder and I sit up and I feel as stiff as if I had been lying down for a very long time and Ianto is sobbing as he helps me up and I am in the Morgue AGAIN and I remember dying AGAIN and I am alive again alive again and Ianto is so warm on my frozen body as he wraps himself about me and he leads me away and away and down to my bed and I lie down and he lies beside me and he says I have been dead for months and months I can't take it in how long I have been dead this time and he says he tried to die and he saw me and I was running to him and I remember something I was in a place far away and I saw him in the distance and I ran to him and he disappeared and then I fell back into the everlasting dark and now I am here and he is here and we are together and we will never part again and I say that and I feel his warmth moving into me and we kiss and his warm life enters my body and my life enters his and we are one we are one and we will never ever be parted ever again---------
Epilogue.
When Owen and Gwen came back from their mission, which turned out to be a false alarm anyhow, Tosh ran to them crying despairingly.
"What the hell has happened?'' Owen asked, as Tosh fell into his arms, sobbing.
''Is Ianto alright?'' asked Gwen, looking worried.
''I found him, downstairs'' sobbed Tosh '' and ----come and see-----you wont believe it---''
They went down to Jack's quarters and saw. The two bodies were wrapped around each other so closely that they couldn't be separated. They were both still warm and flushed with the breathe of life, even though life was extinct. Jack and Ianto. Together. For ever. For eternity at last.
THE END